Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton had been on my short list and it was INCREDIBLE. It was like being seen and heard by someone...except she has no idea who I am.
This particular passage summed it up beautifully:
It hasn't been easy all the time. The fear of judgment and not being liked is paralyzing. I mastered people-pleasing early on because I believed people wouldn't like me if I was just me.
That somehow the real me was undesirable or unlovable. And I had to do everything right and perfect all the time. Follow the rules and be the queen of etiquette...so I would be liked. Wear the perfect outfit, say the perfect thing, be the perfect human -- be 'normal' is what I liked to call it.
Except it wasn't really me. Well not all of me, at least. Just a shell of me to fit in and be admired and liked.
And it left me feeling exhausted at times. Hollow at others. And almost like I was in a dark, dingy back room drowning my heart and its desires just to 'save face.'
Except you can never kill your heart. It's strong and stays patient in Divine knowing. Beating always and holding you close even when you have completely betrayed it. Those days you let social pressures dictate your life. When the rules take over your essence.
Your heart gently reminding you all your efforts to be perfect and admired...is not enough.
Being a hollow shell, never sharing your real depth so it's safe to be liked...is just not enough. It's no longer enough to stay small so a man isn't threatened by your intelligence. To stay quiet when you know the truth needs to be said. To not share your vulnerability because someone might think you're defective.
At it's absolute pinnacle of safe...keeping up with a life that's 'just fine.'
No, it's not 'just fine'...your heart says to you. You are NOT ok with being 'just fine.'
You want a life that's fulfilled, passionate, purposeful, and has meaning.
Who are you protecting anyways, it says? It promises when you are real, you are loved.
And the heart NEVER lies.
So instead of fighting my heart for something it divinely knows, I began to trust it.
Putting myself out there raw and exposed and finding that sometimes...I wasn't liked. And I was ok! Turns out it's so rare anyways, I don't pay much attention.
Because on the other side, when I am real...I am loved. So hard.
And that feeling, the deep soul connections I've made is like long lost friends reunited after a lifetime.
Creating friendships transcending beyond the 'Hi, How are you?' to...
'Hi, I see you and you're incredible.'
There's a beautiful tradition in the Muslim faith that talks about how our souls used to circle God's throne in the heavens before we were placed on earth. Pure bliss and light. And that when we find those souls we were with, we can feel it.
That we're searching for those souls because we're searching to be connected to our infinite light. The place of ultimate fulfillment and contentment.
I have found so many of those souls in the last 5 years, I can't believe it sometimes. And I know there are many more.
To find each other, we have to know each other. And we can only know each other if we know ourselves.
A woman with a huge heart filled with SO much love she doesn't know what to do with it. Sometimes flailing but not failing. Always trying her best amidst the chaos called life. Knowing she is loved when she is real -- and even though it feels scary, she is READY to re-claim herself...all of it.
I see you, Beautiful, and you're -- Incredible.
p.s. If you're ready to re-claim and step into your real self, I would love to show you the way. I have 3 one on one coaching spots and you can sign-up for a complimentary coaching conversation here to experience what's possible for you. You'll get clarity about what you want, what’s been holding you back and a powerful next step to move forward.