You've been trying so hard, for SO long, you don't even know who you are anymore?
You've done everything right your whole life.
All of it.
You're a gold star sticker extraordinaire...
and yet you're still unhappy.
Like you don't know what you're supposed to do with your life.
Wishing someone would tell you what to do next so you could excel at that...check off the box...and feel accomplished for a moment.
Like a hit of crack except the drug of choice is validation...
Who are you trying to impress?
Prove a point to?
Show your report card to?
Is someone counting your gold stars at the end? The ones so proudly collected...
Because if the external was a measure of success, shouldn't you be floating on clouds now in utter bliss? Except you're. not. even. close.
Feeling like no matter what you do, it's still not enough. You're still unhappy. Still yearning....
for what though?
Do you even know?
I didn't. I know this struggle all too well. (deep sigh)
My journey has been one of extreme achievement and then immense sadness and feeling like the ultimate failure.
I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.
Amidst my 'so-called perfect' life (remember that show?! oh, how I loved that pensive Jared Leto...but I digress).
Amidst my 'so-called perfect' life, I agonized over what I wanted to do with my life. Constantly feeling incomplete. Trying things here and there, asking people their thoughts on grad school, new career, new business, new hobby, new anything!
Just to stop the agitation that was building up of not knowing and feeling so freaking unfulfilled. I felt like a crazy person...like the only one not satisfied with my life. Never satisfied with the 9-5, come home, eat dinner, watch a show, go to sleep life. I knew deep down I was put here for a purpose and meant to do more...but what?!
I chased down soooo many rabbit holes, asking everyone else what I should do with MY life. The only person I didn't ask was myself.
Or maybe I did but I was just talking to one of the masks I was wearing. Clueless about who I really was inside. Who was I behind the the perfectly put together, party manners, always say/do the right thing woman?
Meanwhile, everything around me started to fall apart. You know the saying, 'unraveling at the seams'...I'll call it seams ripping from all corners and places until I felt naked and exposed.
Not just to the world but to my own self. Not wanting to look down at my bare naked self but I had no choice. I had to look at this reflection of who I truly was.
When I say my life fell apart, it was the greatest pain I could ever imagine. I lost my baby boy and my marriage unraveled thereafter. It's still incredibly painful to remember and yet...it was the divine catalyst to push me off the cliff I had been standing on for so long.
That cliff I spent years looking over in paralyzing fear...
fear of what was in a black abyss below...
fear of what would happen if life wasn't exactly the way I 'planned'. If it didn't 'look' like everyone else's.
Trembling and wondering where I would go if I lost all control. Holding on so tightly as I kneeled on the ground, so scared. Wondering what the world would think of me.
And then the Divine push came. even though I was like no, no, no no nononononono, noooooooooooooooooooo....
But off the cliff I went. Closing my eyes, bracing for impact and a lifetime of deep pain...something strange happened.
I didn't fall into an abyss. It was exactly the opposite. I was FREE. Literally soaring.
Sounds strange and even magical? Yeah, trust me, I'm still unclear about all of it but the one thing I do know is I was in a place of trust.
Once I was pushed off the cliff, I had no choice, there was nothing I could hold onto, nothing to control.
And in pure love always, the Divine never lets you go. You are not meant to fail or flail. You are meant to live the life you are meant to live. A good one. A GREAT one.
I had to trust this path I was on. Different than one I had ever imagined for myself. Different from what my culture, faith, society, family and community 'said.' Away from everything I was thought I was 'supposed' to be.
I was still so worried about what would people say...more afraid of what I would find...
Was I destined to be one of those crazy hippie women in a bohemian skirt twirling in a field and speaking to her angels?
Or would I be ostracized from my family and friends and community? No longer fitting into a perfect mold?
Would I spend my days alone, in a cabin, destitute and muttering to myself until the end of days?
It sounds so absurd but my mind told me all sorts of things to STILL try to hold onto the false life I had created and had subsequently fallen apart.
And yet, everytime I trusted, everytime I uncovered and discovered...my life started to feel freer and lighter. And filled with SO MUCH LOVE.
I met amazing new people who showed me that we all don't have to look a certain way. That families don't always look like a husband and wife and 2.5 kids. That the world is filled with people of all sizes, colors, faiths, and makeups. I traveled to over 20 cities that year and observed how big the world really is. How there is so much out there to experience.
Experiences - wow, those I had.
Whitewater rafting on one of the scariest rivers in the world...
Flying trapeze with my friend who must have been a panther in another life...
Sipping (virgin) drinks on a white beach overlooking turquoise water in Tobago...
So so so many great conversations in beautiful places with beautiful people all over the world but also right on my couch (this one is my favorite).
And all the people I thought I would lose. Not even close. My family, friends and community were so awesome and still are. I should have given them more credit.
I should given myself more credit because being me made my life whole and happy.
And I know I am still uncovering more masks. Sneaky ones that can find their way back sometimes or the pesky ones that don't want to come off. At least I can recognize it (admittedly, still after some denial and struggle!).
But I accept that I'm perfect...imperfectly. Or perfectly imperfect. They both work...main thing is I no longer have to live a pretend life anymore and that is FREEDOM!!!
Are you ready to feel whole, happy, and free? Ready to discover who you are? Bare your soul and accept yourself as you truly are? You know this isn't about anyone else. Because you have plenty of gold stars for what you've done for them. This is your personal journey and you're ready.
It's YOUR time.
And what perfect timing. because 2016 was kinda sucky, yeah? It was a weird year and I'm SO ready for 2017 to start fresh! So, I planned my fav thing to do when I want to connect and you're invited!!
You're invited to join online as we:
- Close 2016 by shedding the pain and struggles of the past.
- Step into the present to embrace gratitude for who you are (exactly as you are -- not the fakey fake one)
- Start 2017 with deep intention for what you want and making it YOUR BEST YEAR YET.
I so want to meet you and hope to see you for YOUR BEST YEAR YET!
Some logistics about the party -- It's free and online. Dress code is comfy, cozy and ready to unleash your best self. :)
Oh and want to tell others? They're totally invited too, but ladies only. We're going to have soul sister connection.
Don't miss out on the chance to start living your best life! And plus who doesn't want to attend a party in PJs? :)
See you soon!
p.s. If you want to talk one on one to release perfectionism and find clarity about your life, let's chat! I have 3 spots left for one on one coaching in 2016. You can apply for a complimentary coaching session here to get clarity about what you want, what’s been holding you back and a powerful next step to move forward. If there's a fit (trust me, we'll both know!), I'll invite you to a coaching program that can transform your life.
Apply for your complimentary coaching session - It's your time to show up in the world and you know it. SO excited for you!